May 20, 2016

The song.

The song came while I was driving through the city that saved me from your shadow. It took me instantly back to death... to the moments when you were still haunting my instincts, driving me to this perfectly clear moment when I felt my soul part from its body.

The song came and my mouth could taste that preceding feeling, when the leaving hadn't yet arrived. I was whole, but knew already I would fear the world to come, for in it were previously written certainties no heart would ever wish for.

The song came and innocence vanished from me all over again, as this guy incessantly reminded me that "you just walked away"... I felt my bones crack in the cement once more and a pool of warm blood slowly blended with my own lost sense of possibility... the sweetness escaped my broken body as it ran from a foreshadowing darkness.

The song came and it was never a love song. Not then. Not now. It took me drifting out to sea and almost made me fall into this nauseating pain that spread to my core.

The song came and it left me, time and time again, with no shoulder to cry on. There was a right before, when you came running to my arms, conflicting with everything that existed right after, forever... a distant day of an eternal California spring that took you away, howling and biting down every last believing piece of my spirit... as if wolves had been raising you in the wilderness of my dreams.

The song came and it will keep coming, at the most disconcerting times, taking me endlessly to that moment when living made me die while still breathing.

The song came and regardless, while this uncertainty flocks and gathers at my feet, I'll cling to these torn limbs and I'll fly high, up above, where my useless legs won't be needed no more.

"Today you were far away
And I didn't ask you why
What could I say
I was far away
You just walked away
And I just watched you
What could I say."

Aaron Dessner, Matt Berninger