July 02, 2015

The moment before.

What is the weight of a promise? 
Is it relative to time, feelings, thoughts, moments? Or is it absolute? Unchangable? Everlasting? 
Is a promise always a promise... does it remain a promise despite any private pain or pride?
Does it ever loses its value over sadness or regret... over solitude or ego?

I remembered this moment when I was awakened by this smeared feeling of a broken will and lost love. I was already empty the day you came by and, as you turned your back to say goodbye, I was left with a greater emptiness within me. In that moment I gathered the bewildering night, the scream that was more silent than silence itself.

As I let you go, us both looking at this sea rolling its waters on the sun-soaked sand, I knew each wave exhausted my life, my love, my hope. Each laugh, each smile I felt coming at the corners of your mouth, disintegrated another piece of me. That mouth I almost dared to love, how could it laugh so freely, so casually with me, after being so uncompassionately mute just a movie scene before?

You closed the door behind yourself after one more night of broken wishes and I discovered, as I felt the lonely apartment embrace my bones, that not all promises are created equal. Promises can be but vain words of dangerous needs and a desperate spirit.

As I heard the thoughts you didn't whisper in my ears, it took but time to understand I had stayed for what I had never really wanted. I stayed for a dream in the dust.... for vows that were left in the shadow of others, like menacing towers... for desires you were writing for someone remote from me.

I'll walk on water now with you... always expecting the moment when I'll drown on the weight of the lessons I had to learn.

I walk with you.

I stay. 

I stay as I see you always and again...
at that point...
that moment...
when I once was in your sweet, broken heart, full of sweet, perfect promises...
that moment when you existed before tearing me apart.

"It won't ever get old, not in my soul,
Not in my spirit, keep it alive
We'll go down this road
'Til it turns from color to black and white
Or do you not think so far ahead ?
'Cause I've been thinkin' 'bout forever."