November 18, 2015

From gold.

There will come a day to be soft again.
To not let the universe make my sorrows run wild, nor let the pain allow hate to sink in… A day to not let bitterness steal the sweetness within.
There will come a day to take pride that, even though the rest of the world may disagree, I will just love life for what it is.

It's all but fading memories in the end.
Why would I want it to last forever in my soul? Smells to smell eternally, sounds, feelings and hopeful words to stay endlessly as ghosts? Why desire that the aching reminiscences of what is past, live now and forevermore?
Memory is meant to fade... to color.. to black... Love is forever, but memories are not. And that's called luck.

What keeps my head up when nobody's around is keeping my feet off the ground.
Though I have been quiet, completely silent if anything, there is a time and place to discover light and poetry. Kill a memory. Build a story. Miss a past and still keep smiling to this new face and this new desire, found as far away as you are.

Oh darling, dear, won't you take me by the hand, like in the words I read, and lead us all the way to the promise land? It's slightly askew but entertaining...draining, maybe, can you see?
It has got me wondering which is worse... the day I fell into his eyes or the day of the big surprise, when he fell out of the edge of this world.

But sweetheart hear me out, as I am certain of this one thing. There must be no middle to me.. opposites only, antonyms... truth and lies. Before and afters. Birth and sudden deaths. Friends and foes. The brightest love and the darkest hatred.

It's taking too many hours and too many days, baby and I just want to hold you... as if an end of a wait has begun.
Let me be elusive and i'll leave... peaceful and easy... I'll leave the dark shadows on the outskirts of an old soul, to follow a new light that is yet to be turned to dusk.

I said there were mountains in my way but they're slowly disappearing.
How wonderful is it, that I can feel you touch my skin?! And as much as I build thick walls around it or put my heart on rescue mode, it is all momentary and dissolving, so all I can do is throw my love into the sky... and see it fly. 

"I'll hold, so near and cold 
You've exhumed my love 
I'm sold, and our story will grow old 
But you'l make dust from gold 
And I'll know that your heart was once like mine, 
Watch the flaws unwind 
And i'll throw my love to the ground 
And i'll tear you out."

                                                      Ali Lacey

August 21, 2015

If life was the movies playing in my head...

Let's stay in tonight in a different world this time. I'll wait for you to come home, to kiss and hold you, to whisper in your ear everything I have been trying to shush. We'll make it ours just this once, silence the fight outside and we'll let happiness embrace our bodies. We'll exist in each other, fight for each other... I'll let you win my broken heart and you'll take it gently to this new life I daydream so much about. I won't feel your absence anymore and without a sound I'll bury my fears once and for all.

August 08, 2015


"You do me good", I always told you, feeling deep down how much that good was so wrong.

As I face, forcefully, the dictatorship of this fleeting time we were given, I can no longer avoid you, your energy, your presence and my love.

I haven't laughed this easily in a long time and I better stop now before I start crying... before I start cherishing what is not mine.
I know at this random moment again, with a feeling close to presumption (but that isn't more than a certainty coming from what is left of the good side of my soul), that I am what you need and you will keep being forever the only one for me...

I keep dreaming while I am all awake looking at you across a wire, crossing the distance of an ocean, trying to still feel the smell you left behind, hoping to find, this time peacefully, your hand resting in mine... And all these dreams keep this cut you made dripping and I don't thing my blood can thicken.

Time comes and it will go, sooner maybe than we expected, and all the while I can't forget the things we did.. and all the while I can't forget the things we never will.

As I sink in all that surrounds me, when I'm tired of being down and I got no fight, I feel you as strong as the world, steading these fatal tides, controlling the storm I fear and being the storm I dream.

I understand now, as much as we would build a house around this, or put a name to it, it will all be still temporary and softening and all I can really do... is love you.

You are good to me, you are a sight to see... You are wonderful and it is beautiful...  Know that I could make you smile, if only you would stay a while...

But you're somebody's baby now.

"Break my legs so I won't walk to you
Cut my tongue so I can't talk to you
Burn my skin so I can't feel you
Stab my eyes so I can't see...

                                Sharon van Etten

July 08, 2015

If life was the movie playing in my head...

Let's stay home and find yourself again, break your soul in small pieces so we can puzzle it back together forever. We'll share the same old gin as we used to and the same old love we could never really speak. We'll be truthful just this once... we'll forget this new someone we so vainly parade for each other and as one we will be whole... tonight and forevermore!

July 02, 2015

The moment before.

What is the weight of a promise? 
Is it relative to time, feelings, thoughts, moments? Or is it absolute? Unchangable? Everlasting? 
Is a promise always a promise... does it remain a promise despite any private pain or pride?
Does it ever loses its value over sadness or regret... over solitude or ego?

I remembered this moment when I was awakened by this smeared feeling of a broken will and lost love. I was already empty the day you came by and, as you turned your back to say goodbye, I was left with a greater emptiness within me. In that moment I gathered the bewildering night, the scream that was more silent than silence itself.

As I let you go, us both looking at this sea rolling its waters on the sun-soaked sand, I knew each wave exhausted my life, my love, my hope. Each laugh, each smile I felt coming at the corners of your mouth, disintegrated another piece of me. That mouth I almost dared to love, how could it laugh so freely, so casually with me, after being so uncompassionately mute just a movie scene before?

You closed the door behind yourself after one more night of broken wishes and I discovered, as I felt the lonely apartment embrace my bones, that not all promises are created equal. Promises can be but vain words of dangerous needs and a desperate spirit.

As I heard the thoughts you didn't whisper in my ears, it took but time to understand I had stayed for what I had never really wanted. I stayed for a dream in the dust.... for vows that were left in the shadow of others, like menacing towers... for desires you were writing for someone remote from me.

I'll walk on water now with you... always expecting the moment when I'll drown on the weight of the lessons I had to learn.

I walk with you.

I stay. 

I stay as I see you always and again...
at that point...
that moment...
when I once was in your sweet, broken heart, full of sweet, perfect promises...
that moment when you existed before tearing me apart.

"It won't ever get old, not in my soul,
Not in my spirit, keep it alive
We'll go down this road
'Til it turns from color to black and white
Or do you not think so far ahead ?
'Cause I've been thinkin' 'bout forever."

June 16, 2015

If life was the movie playing in my head...

Let's stay in tonight like the old days. Let's just be lazy and caring and quietly exist in between these long hours that run so carelessly. Let's treasure these ordinary moments and feel them extraordinarily with each look... with each sigh of content. I'll lay my head on your shoulder while listening to my tired moody songs and it will all be meaningfully perfect again.

May 27, 2015


"Give me what you are thinking and all that you're feeling", you once begged me, as I battled the emotions I didn't want to feel deep inside my soul. 

I had just reached a peace, an insight on lost love, that made me so sad for being so perfect. You did me good and that did me so wrong!
How could I confess such sad beautiful thoughts, my dearest baby?!

Some people become part of our lives, not by choice, but by naturally belonging to us... Like a bone is part of our skeleton, like our lungs know how to breath, like our heart knows how to keep pumping blood, these persons become, just as lightly and, in that way, just as heavily, part of ourselves. 
Symmetrically, some moments are not to be understood, not to be dissecated to rational meaning, but to be felt and mindfully unified with our spirit.
I love this magic part of life where some paths become unmistakably ours, even if you didn't knowingly choose to travel them. 

You came to me as this sneaky gentle creature that made me feel my once trustful and wholesome self... The person I fearfully and sorrowfully hid for so long.
For so many years now, I missed this imaginary place I once called home... I missed that safety... that peace... I felt homeless. Suddenly, as you held my body tightly close to yours, I could take a deep, peaceful breath again. As I felt your embrace, I could sense my muscles relaxing and my heart slowing down. A peaceful security invaded my soul. 
On those brief moments you became my shelter, my happiness... You were my home!

After these moments of mellow joy, I knew if I could I would only want you. Wherever, however... Forever! 

And I dream.
And when I dream, I dream of you.
And I want.
And when I want, I want you. 
Each and every minute that I can, as I know that soon enough I will only be a dream to you, a lost memory that time will forget. 
I want you...  For it was you that found me when I wasn't sure I still existed anymore. 

If I could I would beg you for eternity.
I know I can't.
Instead, I'll beg for you to embrace me just once more... So I can be home just this little longer. So I can be home this little moment that will have to last forevermore.

April 25, 2015

If life was the movie playing in my head...

Let's stay in tonight. Together and not far apart.
Let's share embraces of this strange love that keeps us dreaming, kisses of hopeful disbelief and long stares that say what this goofiness won't allow.
I'll hold you and I'll caress you. I will silently pray for you to let me show you what happiness is like.
We'll stay up all night until we can no longer fight the sleep away from our eyes... Then I'll let my head fall on your arms and holding me tight you'll whisper me sweet words of good night.

April 15, 2015

If life was the movie playing in my head...

Let's stay in tonight, dear stranger. Talk it all out, build known forces from unknown characters, learn all there's to learn from each other and find peace where once there was only loneliness. There will be no ocean in between, nor any land we could have conquered, for we are certain we'll end up where we belong.

March 05, 2015


"You are living a choice that is no one but yours", you once told me, as the tears, frightened, salted my thoughts once more. 

As true and plain as it may sound when I hear your harsh words, choices are no simple deeds. 

It is me choosing this path, these dreams, this raving wanderlust, but it is also me giving up everything I already know, my lifeline and my core... and these are no parallel roads.
It is one and the same path where I must try and endure towards some distant place, where I'll belong to a fantasy that I only know to be true in my mind. 

It would be easy to shine in this territory, to stay and be bright... it would be comfortable not to burst the balloon, not to exhale that last breath of air that will destroy it in this dimension...  but what am I to do but to go on higher ground, far from who I let under my skin, with no one else around, no one to understand and all the time to look through my darkest corners... What am I to do but to go where nothing is compromised and everything is yet to come, where nothing is crossed and there is not one thing that is lost? 

How could I deny myself from exploring what is still not mine to be known and how could I not give myself to a pain that I know to be only temporary?
Could I ask you about the insanity of my choices another day in the future?... And from my rearview mirror I'll ask you about your accommodated cowardice someday... Some other day, my love.

You might call me crazy and deny me the right to this almost paralysing fear.... this brutal fight.
You might want to make me carry my choice as I would bear a cross in my back... And I'll bear it, my dear, as I bear this open heart that won't ever stop beating for the dreams I can just dream... still!

It is my choice.
My cross.
My tears.
My joy.


"Do you believe
In what you see
Motionless wheel
Nothing is real
Wasting my time
In the waiting line."

                   Zero 7

February 20, 2015

From the bird's-eye view.

As I start packing my soul for another change of scenery, the feelings start to get overwhelmingly familiar... 

My life is suddenly on a bird's-eye view again and I stand on the outside of my own self, observing the people that make my present days, go on and move on without me. 

Standing on a corner I shut everything down and let myself go on auto-pilot... 
The reinvention of everything seems ridiculous at these moments when the warmth of my habits, my people, my daily routines, seem fundamental. However, I know this comfort brings no true peace as it leaves no chance for improvement or for the elevation of the spirit.

On this journey towards a version of me that seems almost unattainable , I feed on the conquest of these new levels of discomfort the cross-over brings. 
I dread the knowing pain of letting go and yet it keeps me moving... it keeps me changing, adapting, progressing... Striving forevermore for growth, knowledge and awareness. 

Sounds almost masochistic... And it does feel achingly cruel!

For now, as I flirt, restless, with the edge of a new abyss, life seems suspended in this eerie aura of thick air and crushing emotions... everything feels like a slow-motioned goodbye and the tears start to blur my vision too often...

...And while deliberately overcoming this lingering feelings of fear, I overcome myself once more... in a cycle that will keep me on an everlasting quest... 
Never content, always adapting.
Never resigned, always tolerant.
Never complacent, always myself.

"So i will follow the feeling
And sing fever to the form
Oh my fever to the form

Cos' the very thing you're afraid, afraid of
It keeps you clean but unclear
Clean but unclear

Is the dirt that you're made, you're made of
And thats nothing to fear
No, its nothing my dear."
                                               Nick Mulvey

January 20, 2015

Mis-shapes, mistakes, misfits...

The heart is no stranger to mistake. It is constantly in touch with the good and the bad of our spirit... the lighter colors and the darkest shades, calibrating the inconsistencies and desperatly trying to save our souls. 
It is able to formulate and illustrate beauty or ugliness through the shadows of the emotions we carry inside, often trying to compensate for the frailties we won't admit. 
It searches for balance changing directions time after time and becoming incredibly invested in the pursuit of true happiness, trying to strive and search forevermore.

In this heart's quest for eternal bliss, shielding our soul from one's personal demons and masking a neediness we might not want to accept, is no dishonesty... There's nothing but a sense of instinctive protection that can trick the believer we hide within to hold on to feelings that are not complete. 
As we fear rejection and our own weakness, we easily create noisy illusions of love... mistakes we plunge into, because life will always seem lonely enough without little empty spaces in our bed.

When realizing and facing these fantasies of a love that never really was, some of the people we get close to, even those we might have deemed greatly important to us, become strangers.
The thought alone is depressing as you might one day look back to only find the shadows of some of the people who made you, you... people who were great comfort even if just momentarily, lovers you unknowingly loved so incompletely.
However, in this clarifying moment, there's a distinct certainty that the heart you thought was broken is still beating as a whole inside your chest. There's no part of you left behind. There's no part of you to be rescued... it's all still intact, piece by piece, ready for another mistake.
Ready for the final mistake.

"See, honey, i am not some broken thing
I do not lay here in the dark waiting for thee
No my heart is gold. my feet are light
And i am racing out on the desert plains all night."

January 09, 2015

If life was the movie playing in my head.

Let's go to Paris you and I. Catch a plane into the night and disappear together in the city of lights. Let's walk along the Seine, sip french wine and share a baguette while listening to our sweet autumn songs of desire. We will be corny and we will be clichĂ©, but most of all, we will be sickeningly in love.