November 29, 2013

If life was the movie playing in my head.

Close your eyes, trust me again and let's hike up the Sycamore Hill. We will share a beer this one last time, keep our hands clasped tight and watch the city lights take over the horizon as the sun disappears behind the mountains (I know, the sunset…always the sunset!).

We will know it is the end but we will smile for there is no time or space that could ever torn our past spirits apart.

November 19, 2013


Please, give me another peaceful sunset… give me those bright orange colors of the sun going down on the horizon. 

Give me the revolting waves of the cold Atlantic sweeping off the shoreline. Give me the warmed up sand falling through the cracks of my open hands. 

Give me the distant vision of a sailing boat and the swirling foam of this ocean coming towards my bare feet. 

Give me the cold breeze of the northern winds and that salty smell of the seaweeds. 

Give me the calming hues of dusk... the pink and violet colors of a sun that just disappeared until God knows when. 

Give me back the easy days I long for, happiness in a glass of wine, the melancholic music from the old record player, shared moments of naïve bliss. 

Give me just perfect beginnings…Give me the idea that all that is good can last forever, frozen in time… no middle and no hurtful finish line. 

Give me the unchanged beautifully intense pain of love… the feeling of this eternal ecstasy that died inside of me on those lost days. 

Give me the insight of my own self. Shut my eyes tight so I can save these moments of forgetful pleasure, of friends laughing and us flying high. Make it not be like the leaves slipping away from the trees… Now transformed in mere broken skeleton sets against the grey autumn sky. A mirror of me and my broken self just standing alone, naked,  in that empty room.

Give me the time that makes me forget the stormy days... the time that makes everything hazy and light, like a beautiful dream. The time that makes the ache not be too near anymore.

Give me the chance to get lost again… lost in the woods, lost in the middle of the big city, lost in myself, where I can realize I never really knew where I was.

It’s the moment, now, to realize it is just useless for my brain to like a dying body…still, again, yet…. I need the legs back, the arms and other lips struggling to find mine to let me feel the sunshine retreat into good autumn while these eyes do all the talking.

Give me the happiness I found hiding in sad days. 

Give me another peaceful sunset... the sound of the seagulls crying at that big ball of fire and a lone hand sinking into the sand for comfort. Give me all this and tell me… that I… was meant to see this. 

Live with me as the distinct entities we cannot deny we are, that through divine intervention were still made into corresponding puzzle pieces from the clay.

Give me everything and let me feel we were once, long ago, roots of the same tree. An old oak getting stronger with time. And when our life line broke...We never let go.

Or we probably did… 

"Woken up like an animal
I'm all ready for healing
My mind's lost with nightmares streaming
Woken up (kicking screaming).
Take me out of this place I'm in
Break me out of this shell-like case I'm in.

Underneath the skin there's a human
Buried deep within there's a human
And despite everything I'm still human."

Elena Tonra, Igor Haefeli

November 08, 2013

If life was the movie playing in my head.

Let's go to the coffeeshop tonight, read a bit and stare at each other a lot. I'll drink tea and you'll order a coffee. We will just be happy.

About today.

Today I killed you.

Today I looked outside my window and saw your car swerve to the left on that fatal curve. It was cold outside and the sun was setting, painting the sky in bloody shades of red. There were so many sunsets we enjoyed together with those same vivid colors. Today, those shades were just an omen to the tragedy I staged within me. 

Today I killed you. 

My head, my mind, my spirit, they killed you. There was an awful and tragically deadly accident that left no hope. You were sadly taken from this life… young, talented, troubled, loved by so many… Loved, toxically, by me. 

I chose to kill you. Like in a story I build in my head… Like in the movies I see clearly developing in my mind.  I killed your story in this world, cut it short and mourned your loss with fat tears running down my cheeks. It was not the first time this salted water streamed down my face for you but it was, I had to trust, the last one… for today I killed you.  I could finally free my heart from the ifs and whys and let you go with no chance of return… You were dead, gone forever to the other side of this existence.

Today I killed you and I went to your funeral. The casket was open and you were lying there, handsome as ever and ironically smiling with those big lips I longed to love.  I held your lifeless hand and it felt as cold as the shoulder you had given me the last time we saw each other… I had to let go.

Finally, to me, there will be no more expectations or faith in a future version of you that will never come to reality.  There will be no more ill starred love. There will be no more drama. There will be nothing else but the one, condensed heartbreak of your passing away.

Please understand me and please forgive me but I had to kill you. Make you perpetually disappear. Make you eternally unavailable… to my eyes, to my hands, to my heart. 

We all need to fight to survive and today, so I could make it one more day, you had to be gone. 

I killed you and I was born again…today.

"Today you were far away
and I didn't ask you why
What could I say
I was far away
You just walked away
and I just watched you
What could I say.

How close am I to losing you."

Matthew Berninger, Aaron Dessner