January 09, 2017

Star Dust

There's an underlying pain that lives with those who choose to feel with the intensity of a burning match. There's an underlying pain within my soul.
I auto-consume myself, often, in flames that bring my courage to ashes in a constant cycle of destruction and rebirth. A Fenix of sorts.

Every time the remains of my spirit are puzzled back together to look like functional organs, limbs and, at some point, a whole body again, the heart turns into a new version of itself, different than what had ever been... and when it burns again, the crush of it all is crude and desperate and sincere as if it was the first time, its first devastation. Always changing. Losing pieces to never be found again. Creating new connections that were never before. 

There's no instinct to this process... it doesn't come without dilacerating parts of myself each time, turning to cinders and smoke all that I am, all that I believe, all that I had made my purpose. 
Each time it all comes back to life, there is a brand new chance for another big fire to ignite the spirit somehow, somewhere, sometime. A little more cynic, there's no denying, jaded, if you want... the blaze, though, not even a little less powerful.

Left behind, looking back, there's a landfill of all that clung to myself in the past, a tortuous cemetery, a ghost town. A biblical war zone of all that I killed, not quite sure how, not always sure why.

Life is this surprising and releasing realisation that there's always power for destruction. Either relative or absolute. It's within you. A choice you will always have... to burn some, or all, to the ground, and become another self... in an explosion, one day, become just star dust. All lost. Whole, at last.

November 22, 2016

Slow Show

At the edges of a memory I had learned how to be alone, holding it all together, barely, maybe, just so I couldn't hurt myself no more. But you came rather close, suddenly, you stood in my shadow, I felt your breath and it pushed me out of my haven... a slow drift that only you could avoid.

You took me out into the weather and got me lost from the path that was my own. Now you can sit there, dear hunter,  and see me running like a deer with no pasture, fleeing with no strength before its pursuer. Just watch as I slowly die in the wilderness and enjoy the show.

If by chance I survive, I'll avoid losing sight of my shelter ever again and will have some uncertain futures to digest within... I'll realize, hopefully, how to close it all out to the world for good. No foolish words no more, just a slow bow after this slow show ends. Accepting, without further questioning, what I had chosen long ago. No voice to this romantic heart I own, such idiotic clown. Mind only, my cynical and dearest one!

October 24, 2016

If life was the movies playing in my head...

Let's not stay here tonight.
Let's not pack but let's leave.
Let's go away from the places that keep screaming back all our fears and travel together to another land of innocent dreams.
Let's dance wherever we may stop.
Let's laugh, let's be silly, let's get mad and be sad as we know life is always this tragic adventure.
Let's travel the world until there are no places left to discover and there are no more secrets inside us to uncover.
Come away with me and let's believe, just this time, that the world can be made simple again... 
Maybe, just this once, there won't be any heart at stake... 
Maybe, this single time, love will be more than a hateful place... 
Maybe, my darling, this will be the day that is the beginning of all our days!

October 14, 2016

Contradiction Affliction

Sweetheart, why do you think it took me so long to remember what took longer to forget? 

It feels like a trial at times, when I find myself falling for the same emptiness again... would it be easier to nurture the loneliness?

I sit here, broken wings, same patched heart, waiting and wading for someone that won't believe when I say there's no saving me. There isn't.

Don't get me wrong, my honeybear, just hear what I usually can't pronounce... it's not that I'm afraid, it's just that I can, for once, see what's real and I find myself crawling away with the desire you carry inside. 

You see?! Salvation comes in form of a conflict I can't seem to resolve. Contradiction is an affliction I'm not able to escape.

I want to finally pull my head up and avoid the shadows that a cursed soul left behind... avoid the blow I feel over and over again, when the past insists in coming back to take him and leave me, belly down, in this late years, fighting the wars he left me in. 

I want to be cast out of the shade by an unknown hand warmed by the light of this failing silhouette, drunk on the sadness of a world of might-have-beens.

I want, dear stranger, for you to disarm me and take me where the fire doesn't have to be made of my own hunger. I'll be your ghost playing outside of vision, somewhere in the mists of devotion and like a ripple, I'll appear, I'll live and I'll rejoin this darkened abyss...

... Or I'll just want to shelter myself forever, from the certain madness a stranger's salvation brings... protecting my crippled existence from  this yearning for everything that did me wrong. 

It's inconsistent, I know... Eternal masochism it's what I see!

I hear the crazy ones calling it love... And that's when I know I, too, have turned insane.

September 24, 2016

If life was the movie playing in my head...

Let's stay in tonight... leave your songs where they belong, in your record player and our home. We'll exist in this moment like we were not forbidden ground. There will be gin. There will be love. 
I won't be a shoulder to cry on... I'll just be yours tonight. Just this once.

May 20, 2016

The song.

The song came while I was driving through the city that saved me from your shadow. It took me instantly back to death... to the moments when you were still haunting my instincts, driving me to this perfectly clear moment when I felt my soul part from its body.

The song came and my mouth could taste that preceding feeling, when the leaving hadn't yet arrived. I was whole, but knew already I would fear the world to come, for in it were previously written certainties no heart would ever wish for.

The song came and innocence vanished from me all over again, as this guy incessantly reminded me that "you just walked away"... I felt my bones crack in the cement once more and a pool of warm blood slowly blended with my own lost sense of possibility... the sweetness escaped my broken body as it ran from a foreshadowing darkness.

The song came and it was never a love song. Not then. Not now. It took me drifting out to sea and almost made me fall into this nauseating pain that spread to my core.

The song came and it left me, time and time again, with no shoulder to cry on. There was a right before, when you came running to my arms, conflicting with everything that existed right after, forever... a distant day of an eternal California spring that took you away, howling and biting down every last believing piece of my spirit... as if wolves had been raising you in the wilderness of my dreams.

The song came and it will keep coming, at the most disconcerting times, taking me endlessly to that moment when living made me die while still breathing.

The song came and regardless, while this uncertainty flocks and gathers at my feet, I'll cling to these torn limbs and I'll fly high, up above, where my useless legs won't be needed no more.

"Today you were far away
And I didn't ask you why
What could I say
I was far away
You just walked away
And I just watched you
What could I say."

Aaron Dessner, Matt Berninger

April 27, 2016

Together. Alone.

Everyday there's pain, pleasure and death in this process for existence.... a struggle bending up against the mountains whose true geology has to be more than fear, or they are but dust.

Everyday we leave pieces of ourselves behind, we lend them to the times we live, the people we meet, to never see them again.... and when all is lost, in the past that was your yesterday's future, there is no more survival.

Everyday I am someone who needs somewhere to long for... I am someone homesick of this stark land of an uncertain address... homeless of a country and homeless of a heart.

Everyday I grow increasingly unclear of all the certainties that kept me from losing it all before... that saved me from drowning... legs, arms and spirit tied to someone not fighting my wars.

Everyday your hands on my body resonate through me as if it was real...as if you were real... as if we actually existed in more than a parallel universe of dreams and romantic quotes.

Everyday you become more of what i ran away from, a sweet, sad, little pray that was never to become more than hope.

Everyday there's this anticipation that won't ever subside. I'm waiting to lean up against you in the water.... and though I can't swim, I'm trusting you'll take me back to my fortress now.